


What I Am

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: First Time, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-02
Updated: 2006-04-02
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:36:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12731187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Daniel finally realizes his passion for Jack.





	What I Am

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Just a little homophobia. Sam Carter fans avert your eyes.  


* * *

"I am your passion, your promise, your end  
Yes I am."  
Melissa Etheridge "Yes I am" 

"Not much of a foundation there," the words echoed obsessively through his mind. This was the way he was when he was at his most anxious, and he hated it. He'd give anything to just let go - the way most people did. But he wasn't most people, was he? 

He'd spent the best part of the last two appointments with his psychiatrist talking around the subject of Jack O'Neill and dealing directly with nothing. Today was different. A night full of disturbing dreams had rocked his sleep, and Jack was the heads on main man on the agenda. Daniel began the appointment by trying to leave O'Neill back at the SGC where he belonged, but Anna Richler returned to the subject of Jack with the tenacity of a beaver incensed by the sound of running water.

It was a golden autumn day. Overnight, a chill had arisen from deep within the valleys between the mountains and swept down into the city. From his deep chair, Daniel could catch a tiny glimpse of Pike's Peak in the distance. The hunter green vertical blinds were turned just enough to block most of the pale morning sunshine from trickling into the room. Richler seemed to prefer the room in semi-darkness and the light in her patient's eyes. 

Daniel had once suggested to Jack, half-jokingly, when they were still getting along, that this was how his psychiatrist must have interviewed potential traitors in Berlin - their faces blinded by the light while she had remained in the shadows. Jack had laughed, and suggested to him that the psychiatrist was clearly old school from the Cold War days. That was when Daniel and Jack were still close friends. Now, he didn't know what they were anymore. 

He missed the signs of Jack's presence in his life: the smell of Jack's pleasant after-shave cologne in the air in his loft apartment, nights spent in the spare room at Jack's house awakening to the sounds of Jack's footfall in the kitchen, the sound of Jack's tuneless singing as he prepared diced ham, cheese or mushrooms for omelets in the morning, the brief touch of Jack's surprisingly gentle hands on his shoulder or back, but he mainly missed a certain feeling of love and belonging inside his own heart. The revelation that he loved Jack had not been a surprise. 

The fear that he would almost certainly be rejected caused him to shrink back, terrified of what would happen if Jack knew how he felt. Daniel's life hadn't led him to take risks where his heart was concerned. Frequently, he chastised himself over the opportunities he'd missed to discuss his feelings with Jack - and now it was too late. 

Dr. Anna Richler was listening to him intently, leaning back in her desk chair, her dark eyes studying his features as he spoke. 

"It's just that what Jack said hurt so much," Daniel chewed on his lower lip, "I just can't seem to get past it."

"Yes," Anna Richler said in a non-committal tone of voice, "And this comment hurts you more than if - say it were your friend Samantha Carter or Teal'c who made it?" She sat back and waited for inevitable flood tide of Daniel's words. 

He made an impatient gesture with his hands, "No, no they wouldn't have been in this position! They're not trained to do undercover work like Jack. No one would've believed it if they'd tried to go dark side! You see it would have to be Jack. He's the best at this sort of thing!" Daniel stated these facts with a certain pride. "There's no way that Sam Carter or Teal'c could have rounded up Makepeace, Maybourne and the other traitors who were stealing technology from our allies. Jack can make people believe any number of things, even when they aren't true. It's like there are two Jacks."

"And which Jack do you know?" She asked him.

Daniel bit his lower lip and stretched his mouth thoughtfully. "Oh you know, we're total opposites. I'm always annoying him with what he calls my peaceful explorer stunt. That's when I pop out in front of people and try and talk to them. I don't know why it surprises him. I am an anthropologist and a linguist after all, as well as being an archaeologist. I don't know, it's been different between us since that first mission on Abydos when I got him to see that he didn't have to blow himself up."

"And you did this because?"

"It's because I, ah," he hardened his jaw and tried not to show her the faint tears that arose in his eyes, "care about him."

"You love him." It was a statement of fact.

There was brief moment before he responded, "Yeah, I love him. I thought that we were beyond those stupid lies, that he'd give me some clue before doing something like that. I thought what we had was beyond regulations and procedures. I'd hoped that I was more than just another member of SG-1 to him. So yeah, I guess I believed that he'd always be straight with me." He shook his head at his own naivete, his belief that he could ever be on the inside with a military man like Colonel Jack O'Neill.

Her dark eyes absorbed this information; "Jack's talent for undercover work has always been at odds with your more forthright approach. Still, it must be difficult for him, never to be able to confide in anyone, to always be the leader. He must feel very alone."

"He's not my leader," Daniel contradicted her, "We're equals. That's why I feel so angry with him. He just hung me out to dry as if I was some kind of stranger, as if he didn't know that I'd have never told anybody about the operation. So, if he's alone now that's his own fault."

"Yes I understand, Daniel - you're the civilian advisor with SG-1. This means that you're the only one on your team who is truly Colonel Jack O'Neill's equal. But you are suggesting that Jack should keep you fully apprised of what is going on in relation to his work with the SG-1. Yet, what was he supposed to do? Clearly, there was nothing he could have done!" She shrugged her shoulders expressively.

The words cut like a knife and he reacted immediately, "He should've told me," he shouted at her, "he should've! It felt like he put a knife right through my heart. And then I had to tell the others that he hadn't told me anything."

"You're embarrassed because you knew nothing more about this operation than Sam or Teal'c?" She asked him gently, not wanting to distress him further.

"I didn't feel embarrassed; I felt humiliated!" he spat the words out angrily, "I volunteered to go to his house in the first place, and I expected him to say something. Give me some signal that it was all a game, but he didn't. Instead, he said that there was no foundation to our friendship; it took me an hour to pull myself together afterwards. If Jack didn't have his head so far up his butt, maybe he'd admit that there was something between us that goes beyond just friendship!" 

No matter how much he resisted them, tears rose up in his eyes as he thought about the misery he'd experience on the day Jack rebuffed him. Unguarded, they dribbled down his face as he angrily scrubbed them away with the sleeve of his jacket. Silently, Dr. Richler extended her ever-ready box of tissues. Irritated and angry, he snatched a handful of them while he tried to compose himself enough to speak.

Finally, he said in a husky whisper, "Until recently, I've always believed in Jack, trusted him completely. Now, I don't know what to think. Even when Jack told me that we'd get Shau'ri back, I believed him - even after she died."

"Can you explain that some more?"

He looked down at his hands, clenching and unclenching them. "Losing Shau'ri was hard, damned hard. But it was better than watching her being possessed by Amaunet, anything was better than that. And Jack did his best to get her back, even though we were never able to find Shau'ri. And as much as he infuriates me at times, he's always there, watching my six." 

"So, you feel that your relationship goes beyond simple friendship?"

He nodded considering, "It always has since the first trip to Abydos. There have been some close calls, but Jack always watches over me more than the others when we're off world. Maybe it's because I'm not military. I suppose it should bother me, but I always liked it in a way!" 

"And has the last little while changed your feelings about Jack?" 

"You remember how I told you how I dreamed I was talking to Jack on Netu?"

She nodded patiently, "Yes, I remember, but what does that mean to you?"

"Like I said," he replied as though he was tired of explaining it, "that I believe in him. We all dream of a person that we'd trust with our innermost secrets, and for me that person was Jack. Of course, I've never told him or any of the others about that dream."

"Why was that?"

"Because Sam dreamed about her father, and Jack dreamed about Charlie. I was afraid it would've made me seem vulnerable and foolish to let them see how much Jack meant to me. Or that Jack would make the wrong assumptions."

She leaned forward, "Which wrong assumptions?"

"Oh I don't know," he said carelessly refusing to meet her eyes.

A flicker of light stirred in her dark eyes, "No Daniel, don't hold back! What kind of assumptions?"

"That I cared about him too much, that I count on him more than I should. He and Carter have a kind of flirtation thing going on. He might think I want to get closer to him than he'd like, and he wouldn't appreciate those feelings, especially since he's obviously interested in Sam."

"Really?" she questioned him, "But you did get close to someone else, not that long ago."

"You're talking about Ke'ra? It's not the same thing!" he shook his head emphatically, as if the flattered fancy he felt for Ke'ra could ever compare with his feelings for Jack.

"What?" She smiled encouragingly, "Was this part of the process of getting over Shau'ri perhaps?"

"I wasn't that attracted to her," Daniel said dismissively. Then he caught Anna Richler's eye as she gave him a dubious glance, "I wasn't!" He insisted, "I never actually did anything with Ke'ra. I never really took any risks. We were just friends. Acquaintances really."

"I think there was a little more it than this Daniel!" she prodded him, "What made you flirt with Ke'ra in the first place?"

"No, I don't think so!" he said stubbornly. He folded his arms across his chest in a protective gesture, "And it has nothing to do with my feelings about Jack. I mean, when I was showing Ke'ra around the SGC, and Jack was staring at - I mean Ke'ra was staring at me - it was kind of I don't know I think I was just flattered."

"So flirting with Ke'ra made Jack stare at you?"

"Yes I guess so," he admitted with a slight hesitation, "Although I would've liked to have known what Jack was thinking."

"What do you think Jack was thinking?"

"How should I know?" He said moodily, kicking at the carpet with his foot." He said that Ke'ra was a peach, but there was a lot of sarcasm in the way he said it."

"You said he stared at you and Ke'ra."

"He was just being overprotective, like he always is. It's annoying. I'm grown man for crying out loud," he suddenly stopped and realized that he sounded just like Jack. He pushed onward, "Anyway, Shau'ri was dead and getting all that attention from Jack, I mean Ke'ra, was very flattering. Nothing really came of it."

"So, you are flattered when Jack pays attention to you," she said thoughtfully, resting her elbow on the chair rest.

"No, I said I was flattered by Ke'ra attentions," he quickly contradicted her.

Her right eyebrow went up, "No, you said you enjoyed having Jack's attention."

He reflected briefly, "I suppose that I don't mind it when Jack pays attention to me. Anyway, Jack should talk. Remember how I told you, how he spent a hundred days on Edora, not that long ago. There was a woman there who was interested in him. I'm sure that he didn't hesitate to sleep with her." He suddenly realized that he sounded jealous. "God," he said out loud, "I sound jealous."

"Are you?"

"I don't think so!" he flushed, "No, of course not! Women like Jack. He's, you know, your typical alpha-male type of guy," he made a bitter little laugh. That was the problem wasn't it? Jack liked women, and Daniel liked Jack. A sour flavor, bitter as gall rose up in the back of his throat. His stomach twisted when he thought of Jack lying in bed beside Laira. "Sam Carter's tried everything short of actually ripping his pants off, to get him to screw her."

"You sound hurt, Daniel."

"Yeah, well in two out of three realities I visited, Jack was with Sam," he countered, "We've had this conversation before.

Her mouth twisted wryly, "Yes, I remember clearly. But in those realities, Earth had been invaded and destroyed by the Goa'uld. And you didn't live in those worlds."

"Yeah and Jack was with Sam in each one. I wonder if part of the reason we're drifting apart is because of Sam."

She sighed, "There have been many things that have forced you apart in the past year." 

"A year ago Jack would never have done this to me," Daniel said definitely, "He would've found a way to tell me about the sting operation. He would've said something to prepare me for that comment about 'no foundation to our friendship.' He would have known how hurt I'd be."

"So you expect him to be more intimate and closer to you than to the others on your team?" Richler asked him.

"Yes, no, I don't know. The Jack that held me when I was getting over my addiction to the sarc wouldn't have done this to me," he glanced up into her dark eyes that seemed unconvinced.

"Sometimes people do many distasteful things in the name of their country, Daniel," she responded gently.

He tilted his head, "Have you done distasteful things in the name of your country?"

She shook her head and observed sadly, "It was a long cold war Daniel. It is my observation that people must take their happiness where they find it."

"Jack has asked me over to his house again tonight. What do you think I should do?" he asked Dr. Richler. She took her glasses off carefully, and tossed them on her desk. Then she rubbed the bridge of her nose for a few moments before responding in her faint German accent, "Since you have asked me Daniel, it is painfully evident that you truly wish to go." Her sibilants had slid into a soft "z" sound". 

" Okay," he raised his eyebrows, "Are you telling me I should go?"

"God save me from intelligent patients," she tucked her hair behind her ear, "No, I won't take responsibility for this choice, liebling. But since you talk about him all the time and the man has asked you enough times, perhaps you should go and find out what is going to happen. He obviously wants to see you. What is it that you are doing at home alone anyway, night after night?"

"I just lost my wife a few months ago, and I work at night," he told her.

The psychiatrist shook her head, "From what you have told me about your wife, do you think she would want you to stay at home night after night working?

"No, I suppose not," he admitted, "I suppose you could say I'd lost her a long time ago. Do you think I might need sleeping pills? I'm feeling tired."

She leaned forward, "You have come to the last three appointments looking like a zombie, Daniel. It is not my opinion that you are in need of more drugs to sleep. And you are having nightmares. This is all very normal. Is it possible that there is some connection between your lack of trust in general and what has happened with Jack lately? And possibly these nightmares?"

"Maybe," he said cautiously. "The nightmares have been getting worse since I invited Cliff Morrissey to come next weekend," he said. Dealing with his feelings of guilt about how he badly he'd treated Cliff had been an important step in moving forward with his life. The gap in his memories about his second foster placement and Ray Chauncey had still not been explained.

"And there is no connection there, of course?"

"I don't know what do you think?" He continued to prevaricate as his appointment reached its inevitable conclusion.

She sighed, pulled her appointment book forward and scribbled a time on a card, "Ten next Friday." He nodded. "I think we will discuss this next week unless you feel the need to phone me for some reason. You know the drill." She pulled out his file and made some notation. He looked over trying to read her German notes upside down, but she artfully moved the file away from his prying eyes.

"That's unfair, so what's the connection?" he asked her. She just looked at up him and smiled. He took a deep breath, "So, there is a connection between my lack of trust and Jack and Cliff?"

"Next week," she said firmly.

"So if I'm in love with Jack, does that mean I'm gay?" He tried another tactic to get her attention.

"You might write a list of reasons why you think that you're gay. Bring it next week," she said again ushering him out of her office. The door closed behind her, and he felt like kicking it. This always happened at the end of his appointment after he'd finally decided to talk about something more meaningful. He'd wanted to tell about his nightmares. They'd become darker and more lurid. Blood ran down the walls as he hid in a corner paralyzed with fear as muffled screams penetrated his consciousness. Maybe, he should have talked about that with his therapist! 

Now he had to decide what to do about Jack tonight on his own. By the time that Jack O'Neill came searching for Daniel in his office around five-thirty, Daniel hadn't prepared his usual excuses. He'd avoided Jack at lunch, and had eaten nothing since breakfast. He was hunched over a translation of Goa'uld tablet that SG-11 had found on P3R-119.

Jack's silver and brown head appeared around the doorway, and the dark brown eyes looked hopefully towards him, "Daniel, are you still working? Even Carter's gone home. It's Friday night, for crying out loud. This isn't what I meant when I said to get a life." 

"I have to get this done," Daniel tightened his lips and reflected that Jack hadn't called him Danny since his flirtation with Ke'ra. Suddenly, he heard something that made him stop in mid-translation. 

"Danny, you have to eat sometimes," Jack said in an anxious voice.

Daniel's head shot up, and he stared. Jack had called him Danny in the same old way, and stood there balancing on his toes impatiently, looking just like the man who'd taken Daniel home after Abydos, "Ah Jack, there's always Teal'c." Daniel tried hard not to look into the pleading, soft puppy eyes. Doing that only led to alterations in his anatomy that made sitting at his desk uncomfortable. Then he'd need to visit the men's room to fix his problem. How could he be so sexually obsessed with this strong, puzzling man? 

If only, Daniel reflected sadly Ke'ra had had an effect like that on his libido; it would have made his life so much simpler. Even with all the meds he took, Daniel found that the mere sight of Jack leaning over a desk in his BDU's made his mouth go dry. Despite Jack's admission to Daniel about an affair he'd had when he was doing jail time in Iraq, it was still a far cry from being intimate with Daniel. Jack was a mystery that he was just missing.

"If that's what you want Danny." Jack responded sadly, turning around very very slowly.

"Jack?" Jack shot around, his hands jingling the change in his pockets.

"Daniel?" The brown eyes gave him a keen look. Daniel sighed. He missed Jack so very much. Jack's friendship, over the past three years, had given Daniel a foundation on which to rest his life. And Jack had said, many times in the past three weeks after the sting operation was over, how very sorry he was that he'd hurt Daniel. 

However, he'd brushed Jack off. His medications made it easier for him not to exhibit the outward signs of anxiety in public, such as talking to himself, but the thin edge of his voices cried out to him in his nightmares. He wanted to believe Jack, he really did. He just wasn't sure if he wanted to admit to Jack exactly how much Jack's seeming betrayal had bruised his fragile ego, but he seemed so sincere right now.

"Not much of a foundation," Daniel whispered in spite of his attempt to clamp down on his feelings.

Jack rubbed the back of his head in frustration. Then he came and stood on the other side of the table watching Daniel for a moment before he spoke, "Crap Daniel, if I could've told anybody, I'd have told you. But I couldn't put you at risk like that. Anyway," Jack gave him a glance, and then his eyes slid off Daniel warily, "you seemed to have other concerns. I'm just the same old Jack. There have been new women in your life and all that. Not that I blame you, spending time with me every Friday's probably pretty boring. I'm not some cute blue-eyed, curly-haired blond." Game set and match, thought Daniel. Jack was always good when it came to getting to the point.

Daniel stared at momentarily, his heart in his mouth. His face crumpled, "No Jack, you're...." he wanted to tell Jack that he was so much more to him than Ke'ra ever could be, but he couldn't find the words. So he ended the sentence lamely with the statement, "you're my best friend."

Jack sighed deeply before plastering a smile on his face, "Well, if you need to dump me for some blond any Friday, you just need to let me know."

Daniel bit his upper lip reconsidering his position. This wouldn't do. Jack thought he wanted some woman. Perhaps, Dr. Richler was right. He wouldn't have prevaricated so long about spending time with Jack unless he really wanted to do it. So, he took the plunge, "Um, I could be ready in say fifteen minutes," he said looking at the text in front of him which was really days away from being ready anyway.

Jack's dark eyes sparkled, "Yeah sure you betcha' Daniel. Did you drive?"

"Ah, no," Daniel coughed slightly, "you know driving and I, with all the meds, aren't always good friends. Especially lately."

"Oh why is that?" Jack looked worried again.

"It's nothing," Daniel snapped momentarily, then felt repentant, "I'm sorry Jack. I'm a bit tired. Maybe, I should just go home tonight." Whispers teased at the edges of his consciousness, "Be quiet," he ordered them out loud.

At this a deeper concern flared up in Jack's dark eyes, "Should you be adjusting your meds Daniel?"

"No really," Daniel said, "I'm okay. Stuff is going on in my head, you know. You probably don't want the company of anyone who's so cranky and irritable."

"Crap, Daniel that's what friends are for - I'll take you however I find you," Jack said lightly.

Daniel stared at Jack, and his mouth went dry. 'God', he thought, 'If only Jack realized where he wanted Jack to find him.' Jack's eyes met his, and for one hypnotic moment he felt a gust of passion hit his gut with incredible force. "If you're absolutely sure," Daniel said, unsure of what he was promising. 

"I'm always sure," Jack said. Then he dropped his soft brown eyes and appeared to be studiously examining the side of his right boot.

"Ye-ah," Daniel extended the syllables and winced, "I just don't want to be any trouble."

Jack rattled his hands in his pockets again, "For crying out loud, you're never any bother," Jack looked down Daniels through his eyelashes, and Daniel's heart skipped a beat. "Um anyway, we can swing by your place to pick up stuff - to get your meds and anything else you might need. You'll spend the night, of course."

Suddenly, Daniel felt light-headed. This was exactly what he wanted, "Of course, I'll spend the night if you want me to," he said softly.

Jack gave him a wide grin. Maybe, Daniel had been mistaken, he thought all Jack was offering was friendship, but did it really matter? "Peachy. So, I'll meet you up top in fifteen minutes or I'll have to come down and drag you out of here." It was just the old days, before Shau'ri had died, before Ke'ra had come along and before Jack's undercover operation. Daniel's heart was flying.

All the way to Jack's house, Daniel kept up a friendly banter. He told Jack about his friend, Cliff Morrissey, who was coming next weekend and Jack listened patiently while he told Jack about Cliff's job as a firefighter in New York. 

Jack had gone inside the apartment with him to get his medications, and had placed a friendly guiding hand in the small of Daniel's back as they left the building. Jack hadn't done that since Daniel had first turned up from Abydos, lost, unmedicated and homeless.

They were back in the truck before Jack asked Daniel any questions, "So this Morrissey guy, is he married, Daniel?"

Daniel felt a smile spread across his features at Jack's interest, "Well, not exactly," he said waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Jack drove around the block to get out of Daniel's neighborhood, "This is a crummy neighborhood, Daniel," he grumbled.

"I like it around here, Jack. I like the small antique markets and the ethnic grocery stores. And the little hole in the wall restaurants around here, particularly the ones that serve Hispanic food. And there are the bars, of course."

Jack's eyes flickered over Daniel's face. The small selection of gay bars in the Springs were only a few blocks over from here. Would Jack understand that was what he was referring to? There wasn't a hint of that on Jack's face, and yet Jack knew very well that this was one of those issues that had led Daniel to the shrink in the first place. "So, your friend, the firefighter Cliff, you said he wasn't exactly married," Jack continued blandly.

"Is there a question hiding in there somewhere Jack?"

"Yeah sure you betcha', did you mean like he's got a steady girlfriend or that he's living with someone?" Jack said making a left turn.

Daniel was silent for a long time as the miles clicked away, and he stared out the window at the tall trees that edged closer to the road on the way to Jack's house. It wasn't that Jack wouldn't be okay with this. He wasn't really sure how okay with it he really was as yet either, "Yeah, he's living with someone. A guy. Cliff is gay, Jack." Turning his head to face Jack, Daniel caught the hint of smile pulling at the corners of Jack's lips, which his friend quickly suppressed. 

For one moment, Daniel imagined his naked body lying on top of Jack's. He'd studied Jack O'Neill very closely, if surreptiously, in the shower. He'd memorized every scar and mark on his body, from Jack's old knife fight wound, to the surgical scars on his knees. He was tall, lean and sinewy. Jack had a flat, rather than muscular ass, but it was still sensational when he was in the shower with steamy hot water rolling down between his shoulder blades and his back to Daniel. And what was below the waist - it wasn't at all bad either!

What would happen, he wondered, if he just laid it all out on the table for Jack? Did those jealous glances at Ke'ra actually mean something? He wasn't afraid that Jack would rearrange his face or get angry, but it would almost be worse if he just smiled and patted Daniel on the shoulder like they were buddies and nothing more. Daniel was afraid to take that chance, particularly now that things seemed to be getting back to normal between them.

"I'm glad we're talking now, Danny," Jack said the old pet name slipping easily from his lips once again. "I'm gonna' look forward to meeting your friend then, next week."

"You want to meet Cliff?"

"Sure, why not? Maybe, we could all go out somewhere," Jack's dark eyes were serious. "I bought steaks for tonight, is that okay?"

"Well," Daniel faltered, "I thought Cliff and I might go out to a men's bar, maybe even in Denver."

"I could do that," Jack tossed his head.

"A gay bar, Jack," Daniel said a trifle emphatically.

"Yeah, you already told me that part, Daniel," Jack nodded as though he went to gay bars with Daniel every Friday night. Daniel's heart beat faster.

"Well, what if someone sees you there?" Daniel questioned.

Jack snorted, "I'm sure it won't be a huge revelation to anyone we see Danny."

"What exactly does that mean?" 

Jack did a double take, then fixed his eyes firmly back on the road, "For crying out loud, Daniel if you haven't figured it out I'm not going to tell you." Daniel didn't ask Jack what was telling him, and Jack didn't enlighten him any further. 

Once they were at Jack's, Jack lighted the fire since there was a slight chill in the early autumn air. After dinner, they went upstairs to Jack's observation deck to examine Jack's new telescope briefly before Jack tucked Daniel up in front of the fire with a cup of Turkish coffee and a piece of baklava.

The baklava was clearly from a Middle-Eastern pastry shop. Daniel could smell the orange blossom water on it, and it was perfect and crispy - a sign that sugar syrup had been used, not honey. Moreover, he was not offered merely one pastry, but a medium-sized box with a familiar golden seal had made its appearance with a number of kinds of Middle-Eastern delicacies. 

Daniel recalled that he'd explained the principle of Middle-Eastern generosity to Jack in great detail. His hands had danced as he'd explained the niceties of Middle-Eastern etiquette. They'd been talking about the things that Jack would need to know if he were to go with Daniel on a dig in the Middle East. 

Daniel had explained to him in detail about why Jack couldn't admire his friend Ahmed's rugs or his other friend Mohammed's brass coffee set in Cairo, and how if he did, they were likely to be given to him as presents before he left their homes. Daniel dreamed of the day when the two of them would go together to Egypt, and this information would prove vital. Anyway, he'd also told Jack that this generosity most certainly extended to food. Food was to be put on the table in army-sized portions right after you photographed it for posterity. Daniel had absorbed a great deal of Middle-Eastern culture from his Dada in his childhood, and when he was overseas on digs. Egypt had been a second home to his now dead parents. For that reason, it held a special place in Daniel's heart. 

Clearly, Jack had taken Daniel's little lesson to heart. The coffee too had been specially blended with cardamom and other spices. It was sweetened to perfection, and had just the correct amount of foam on the top. Who had taught Jack this trick was a mystery to Daniel because even his Turkish coffee wasn't this good. Maybe, it was the mysterious Armenian, Vartan Aslanian, who Jack had known in jail. Daniel tried to imagine Jack in an Iraqi prison making Turkish coffee for Vartan in really short shorts, and then letting Vartan explore his body. 

This just made Daniel's cheeks burn, and he got a hard-on. Damn. So, then he tried desparately to put the image of young Jack O'Neill, flyboy out of his mind before his problem became more evident to his host.

Fortunately, his position on the floor and the looseness of his pants made easy to disguise his half-erect penis. He tried thinking about Janet's needles, and then things went back to normal or what passed for normal when he was around Jack. Daniel was lying on the floor in front of the coffee table with his feet stretched out in front of him, and his back supported by the couch. He was sipping at his small cup of Turkish coffee delicately when Jack came and parked himself right up beside him. His traitorous dick took immediate note of the situation. 

"Is it okay?" Jack asked anxiously watching Daniel sip his coffee slowly.

"No, it isn't okay, it's perfect." Daniel's hands fluttered expressively, "You even remembered my favorite patisserie shop," Daniel gestured at the gold label on the open box on the table in front of them.

"Peachy," Jack's face lit up with a pleased grin, "I was worried that maybe you'd have preferred some of those chocolate walnut cookies instead. The ones Sam always buys you when you feel sick."

"They're very good, but" Daniel gestured expansively at the table, "they're not this. This is perfect really. You couldn't have done something to make me feel more at home."

Jack flushed slightly, and looked modestly down at his cup. He leaned forward slightly, and for one brief second his hand brushed against Daniel's. They locked eyes momentarily. For a second, Daniel was sure he'd seen flames of hunger in the other man's heated glance, then it was gone like a mirage in the desert. 

Jack toyed with his demitasse, "Um, did you want any more?"

"No," Daniel sighed contentedly, "I've had more than enough."

"Danny," Jack put his hand on the other man's knee and left it there, "I, I want you to know how sorry I was about the things I said to you. None of them were true. You're my best friend, and I wouldn't want anything to change that. You know I have to be a hard-ass at work sometimes, but that doesn't have anything to do with us."

"I know that Jack. It's not just you, you know. Shau'ri died, and then there was Ke'ra," Daniel began.

"About Ke'ra, if it had had turned out all right, I'd like to think we'd still be friends," Jack's voice was warm and reassuring.

"Jack, I," Daniel began unsure if he should tell Jack what he felt for Ke'ra, which was precisely nothing more than kindness, flattered vanity and the excitement of having both Jack and Ke'ra stare at him at the same time. It had been a huge mistake. Daniel realized that now, "Jack you have nothing to apologize for. You were just trying to protect me from someone you didn't trust, and your instincts about her were right."

"Yeah, but I," Jack seemed lost for words. Daniel felt his medications hit him like a brick. In spite of his best efforts, his eyes closed and he lost part of what Jack was saying, "Um, are you tired Daniel? You took all those meds over an hour ago. Look, I'll set you set up in the other room." Daniel jerked himself awake, feeling annoyed with himself for drifting off to sleep.

"Thanks," Daniel trailed behind Jack, and watched as Jack set him up in the spare bedroom. Jack dragged an extra pillow out of the closet because he knew that Daniel had allergies, and liked to prop his head up higher. Daniel recalled that on his first night here, there had been feather pillows on the bed, which Daniel had discarded on the floor. They'd never reappeared. Additionally he remembered, as he sat on the bed, that there had once been a spring mattress in here, not the usual foam mattress that Daniel had on his bed at home. It seemed to have disappeared as well. There were so many things about his relationship with Jack that Daniel seemed to have been missing. When had he failed to notice these small kindnesses on Jack's part and begun to focus instead on the conflicts in their working life instead? Daniel had no idea. 

For a moment, Jack just stood there with his hands in his pockets looking at the ground. Then, he gathered himself together, "Well," he said almost regretfully, staring down at the floor, "Have a good night's sleep." Then he was gone.

Daniel stripped off his clothes, and put on his dark blue sweat pants and t-shirt that were laid out on the bed for him. He'd always had a set of sweats at Jack's. Crawling under the covers, his last conscious thought was about the smell of clean soap.

* * *

How had the cold rain penetrated through to the skin? There was screaming, blood and chaos. Where was Joanne, Miss Kingsley? She was supposed to be here. Ray was still in the old brownstone, and Daniel could hear his screams in the small enclosure that passed for a back yard. He shivered. Maybe, he could bring himself to get up and go inside - but he found that he legs wouldn't function. He hid deeper underneath the back staircase, hoping that Jimmy wouldn't find him.

Jimmy liked him, but he had to discipline himself not to draw back every time the older boy touched his hair when Daniel was doing his homework. Jimmy never did his homework because he knew that he could pressure Daniel into doing this job in one quarter the time. On a couple of occasions, Daniel had slapped Jimmy's hand away, letting the older and bigger boy know that Daniel couldn't concentrate if Jimmy bothered him.

Ray had no such ace up his sleeve, but Jimmy had never actually physically hurt Ray. His comment that he wasn't a "perv" and wouldn't harm them kept Daniel and Ray from going to the Child and Family Services. That and outright fear. They'd tried talking to Joanne, but she was more concerned with her monthly pay check than the boys, and was deliberately obfuscatory when they'd tried to talk to her about Jimmy.

All bets were off tonight, however. Daniel heard police sirens, and began to scream loudly. Then he was in front of the house, Joanne Kingsley was outside weeping and there was an ominous silence. Then there was Jimmy being led down the stairs. Daniel wanted to scream, but found his mouth was blocked. 

"Hey dweeb," Jimmy's voice came echoing back at him like all of his waking nightmares, "if you were so concerned, you should've done something." Done something, done something, done something - the words repeated and distorted and repelled off his consciousness. Except, Daniel remembered, that wasn't what really happened, Jimmy had never spoken another word to him. But it wasn't Jimmy that was haunting his dreams, it was the stretcher coming down the stairs with the small, covered figure on it, the still body that was once his friend Ray. 

It could've been him. He knew Jimmy liked him even more than Ray, but he hadn't actually done anything to Daniel other than make him do his homework. Daniel began to scream, and he screamed as he'd never screamed before. He recalled Ray Chauncey, his bright blue eyes and light brown hair, how people mistook them for brothers all the time. 

The lights beside the bed were switched on, and Jack was shaking him hard by the shoulders, lightly slapping his face in alarm, "Danny, Danny wake up! Wake up. What's going on?"

"Oh God," the tears ran down Daniel's cheeks, "it was my fault. I've got to get out of here." Strong arms held him in place.

"Not going anywhere," Jack said gruffly, "What's your fault?"

"Ray's dead, Jack!" Daniel sobbed, "And it's all my fault. I, I need to get off the hook Jack. I tried, I tried," Daniel's hand hit the bed, "I tried to tell. Nobody, nobody would listen."

"Ssh, listen to what? Tell me partner." Jack's hands were on his back and they felt so good, so incredible. But it wasn't right. He couldn't take solace in the strength of Jack's hands when he was guilty of not helping Ray.

"I, I did it Jack," his image of Jack swam at him through his tears, "I'm just as guilty as Jimmy. Ray's dead, and I'm on the hook." He was hyperventilating. "I forgot him," Daniel's pain was swallowed by his anger at himself for forgetting, for hiding away when he knew that Jimmy was dangerous.

"No, listen to me," Jack soothed, "It's not your fault." Daniel started to shake uncontrollably.

"I'm going to be sick," he told Jack clearly as a wave of nausea hit him.

Jack helped him to the bathroom and watched him heave up the contents of his dinner in silence, and afterwards wiped his hot forehead with a cold cloth. He dragged Daniel back into his own room. "Where is the number you call in case of emergency, Daniel, for your shrink?" Jack asked gently.

"What?" Daniel was lost in his own thoughts. The doctor had given him a card. She'd said something about emergencies several times. He just didn't think about it; he wasn't going to have an emergency. This, according to Jack was what Daniel was having, an emergency. He began to laugh hysterically.

Jack took him by the shoulders, and shook him firmly, "No," he said sternly, "Don't even think of going there." 

"I'm sorry," Daniel whispered, "its just that..."

"Yeah, I know. But you need to hold on. Sit here, and I'll get the card from your pocket. Can you do that?" Daniel nodded. "Okay then." Jack foraged in Daniel's pockets for the card, and picked up the phone beside his bed. His large hands made soothing circles on Daniel's back.

"Is this Dr. Anna Richler?" Jack demanded, "This is Colonel Jack O'Neill. I'm a friend of Dr. Daniel Jackson's. We have an emergency here. Daniel's talking about someone called Ray. He 's been sick to his stomach, and he's getting more and more upset. I'm not sure what's going on, but it's not good. Okay, all right, I can get him down there in a half an hour, fine. And I'll wait for him and bring him back here afterward." He put the phone down.

"Okay, we need to get you dressed and down to the doctor's office," Jack said quietly, putting on his own clothes.

"Jack?" Daniel felt he had to ask.

Jack sat down beside Daniel with just his shirt and briefs on, "Yeah?"

"Do you believe there's no foundation to our friendship?"

Jack's dark eyes glistened. He rubbed the back of his head, the way he always did when he was faced with a problem that was upsetting him, and over which he had no control. He touched Daniel's head, "Aw, Daniel you know I don't. I'm so sorry I said that to you. People were listening to everything I said on my phone, in my house - everywhere, if you want the truth. But if I'd believed that it mattered so much to you, I might found a way to tell you something. But you seemed to be moving on after Shau'ri's death, you know with Ke'ra and everything. I forgot how you take every little thing to heart. Just put it down to stupid bastard, Colonel Jack fucking O'Neill."

"Nothing ever happened with Ke'ra," Daniel spat vehemently. He wanted Jack to understand that, no matter what. "I just wanted you..." he hung fire, reluctant to tell Jack how he'd just been waiting for some sign from him that he cared, that Daniel was the one he desired. Daniel stopped himself, the admission of his hidden passion for the man who led him through the Stargate hanging practically in the air in front of him, "I don't know what I wanted." He said wearily. It was down to him again, something he'd done to make a separation between him and Jack, the stupid flirtation with Ke'ra, "No, I don't think you're a bastard. But I did think that you were the one sure thing I could hold onto in this stinking world, Jack. You know, on Netu, I dreamed it was you talking to me, asking me about the Harsesis child. You were the one person I really trusted."

Jack winced. He hadn't really wanted to know so definitely how his behavior had affected the other man. The circles on Daniel's back became slower and more soothing, "I'm so damned sorry, Danny. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. Listen, we need to dress you so we can take you downtown to the shrink. Can you do that while I put my pants on?"

"Okay," Daniel glanced at up at Jack from his spot on Jack's bed with a trusting look in his blue eyes. 

It was the way that Daniel always looked to Jack when he was in emotional pain, and for one moment it occurred to Jack how fragile Daniel was. Sitting in the middle of Jack's light gray duvet, Daniel seemed so small in spite of his height and bulk. 

In so many small ways, Daniel Jackson was so unbelievably gifted, but these gifts had come at a huge cost. His sensitivity, understanding and knowledge had cut to the heart of so many negotiations like knife through butter, but his depression and anxiety were a heavy burden. If Daniel's gifts hadn't been so extraordinary, there was no doubt that Hammond would have replaced him by now.

Jack wanted to kick himself. He knew Daniel would take any comments about their friendship to heart. He shook his head, and swore that no matter what the cost he wouldn't hurt Daniel in this way again.

They made it down to the doctor's office in record time. Dr. Richler had already arrived, and smiled at Daniel, who drew back nervously. He shot a pleading glance at Jack who was standing just behind him. He looked down at the ground, wet his dry lips and sighed heavily as though a prison guard had just asked him whether he wanted steak or lobster for his last earthly meal. 

"You'll be okay, Daniel," Jack said reassuringly, clapping him on the shoulder. Jack's large hand seemed to penetrate through his brown jacket, and make him feel warm and less worried. 

He wondered if he could just turn around and leave his psychiatrist's office instead of moving forward on unsteady, unwilling feet. He nodded at Jack, and pushed forward past the heavy door into his psychiatrist's office. He went and sat in his usual chair. The door closed behind him, and he saw a glimpse of Jack settling into the outer office with a copy of the New Yorker.

A hour an hour elapsed as Daniel related the story of Joanne Kingsley's as he remembered it - the homework he'd done for Jimmy, Jimmy's crush on him, the night that Jimmy had killed Ray and Daniel had hidden in the backyard. It all came tumbling out as Daniel cried and stuttered his way through the story over the best part of an hour, and finally the end came. 

Anna Richler had moved closer to him as he spoke about it, providing him with the occasional touch or a fresh kleenex. Then he came the end and said, "So I did a bad thing."

She moved closer, "I see, Daniel. And what did you do that was bad?"

"I hid in the yard," he said, "I left him just like I left Shau'ri."

"Did you have any choice at Joanne Kingsley's? Did you know what was going to happen?"

"No," he blew his nose.

"And you knew about the J'affa that would come through the Gate and take your wife?"

"Of course not. I just, I should have done something," he said.

"You did do something. You tried to find your wife, and she almost killed you. But what happened at the Kingsley's because you hid?" she touched his shoulder, "You know, Daniel."

His face contorted, "I didn't die like Ray. But Jimmy never bothered me, just Ray. And he never raped Ray until the end."

She shook her head, "Every time Ray was forced to touch Jimmy, he raped him. You know that, Daniel."

"Why not me?" His tear-reddened eyes overflowed again. 

She looked him straight in the eyes, "You know," she said quietly, "what would you have done."

"I'm not sure, but I wouldn't have been able to do Jimmy's homework."

"Predators like Jimmy know how to extract what they need from people. You were lucky that he only wanted your brain."

"Dumb luck, the same reason I didn't get taken as a host instead of Shau'ri?" He said it in a tone of disgust.

"You say that like you feel luck is a bad thing?" She tilted her head questioningly.

"It doesn't feel good to be lucky, to survive," he commented wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

"Yes Daniel, you're right, sometimes it doesn't feel good to survive. It feels like somebody ripped the covering off your heart. But," she smiled and met his eyes, "It is good. Understand, I know about surviving and feeling guilty. Life is a precious gift." My family survived Birkenau, I know all about guilt." He saw by her dark eyes that she was very serious about this.

"I feel so alone," he thought he sounded so pathetic.

"You aren't alone," she reminded him, "You have friends. You have Jack. It's clear he's your friend."

"But I'm in love with him and I don't know how he feels about me," he stopped, "It's a little late in the game to suddenly discover that I'm gay, and realize that I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it."

"Better than never to know or do anything about it," she pointed out.

"That's true, I guess. So, I'm gay," he said out loud. He felt the chains fall from his heart as he said it, freeing him from what he'd thought he was supposed to be, from the necessity of trying to be square peg in a round hole, "Is that good?"

"Yes," she told him, "it could be very good."

"How do I manage while working at the SGC now that I know? The Air Force has rules - there's still don't ask, don't tell," he stared at the oriental carpet with its intricate dark blue, dark red background and its cream and gold designs.

"Daniel," she laid her hand on his shoulder gently, "you have many gifts. And you have great passion. I am sure you will find love in time."

"And what about Jack?"

"That, Daniel, is a question that only Jack knows the answer to. You must find the courage to ask him yourself." He nodded, bewildered and drained by the night's revelations. Briefly, they discussed taking a hiatus from his sessions until he'd assimilated this new information and the impact it would have on his life. He would see her again in three weeks.

He went into the outer office, and Jack glanced up from reading his magazine with a furrowed brow. Something he saw in Daniel's demeanor caused him to relax. Dr. Richler addressed him, "I hope you are taking Daniel to your home tonight? And perhaps he could stay with you tomorrow as well?"

"Yeah, for the weekend. If that's okay," Jack's eyes scrunched up with worry again. He looked over at Daniel.

"I wouldn't mind your company." Daniel shot a wide smile at Jack to assure him that he was eager to spend time with him.

"I think Daniel should take some time off," Dr. Richler directed, "I will phone Dr. Fraiser in the morning - a week off should do I think. Perhaps you and Daniel could do something less cerebral together. In any case, I want you to keep Daniel from working."

A sudden blush appeared on Jack's cheeks at her words. He said hastily, "You can spend all the time you want at my place. I'll take some of my accumulated vacation time. General Hammond was just complaining about it last week."

"I have a guest coming next Friday remember," Daniel reminded Jack.

"Well until then, if you want," Jack said in a slightly wistful tone. Daniel stared at him fixedly, what was he thinking?

By the time they arrived back at Jack's house, Daniel was stumbling, rather than walking. Jack seemed reluctant to let him out of his sight.

"You sure you're all right now?" Jack questioned anxiously, following him to the spare bedroom and sitting on the bed.

"I feel exhausted, drained," Daniel commented stumbling over. He put his head on Jack's shoulder, "God I'm so tired." 

"Hey there, careful," Jack assisted him to the bed, and his hand lingered on Daniel's bicep. Daniel fell over and pulled Jack down with him, "Whoa, watch it there partner," Jack commented and then their eyes met.

Daniel wanted badly to inch forward until his lips were just centimeters from Jack's, then slowly and surely kiss him. Even from this angle with his head tilted toward Jack's shoulder and his eyes slanted upward, he saw no rejection in Jack's eyes. Nevertheless, he couldn't do it. What if Jack pushed him away? He was so very, very tired, and it was the perfect excuse.

"Stay," the one simple word escaped from his tired lips as it had the first night that he'd spent at Jack's home.

Daniel stared at Jack who appeared mesmerized. He held onto Jack's upper arm tightly, and he moved his head until it was finally resting on the other man's shoulder. His problems gave him the license to get close. So, he got as close to Jack as he could. How could he get Jack to bridge the gap, and reach out to him from the other side of the chasm where he was waiting patiently?

Maybe Jack realized, as he did, that this was no longer just friendship. Daniel's mind sleepily turned to the events of the evening - the pastries, the coffee, and the perfectly prepared meal. Maybe, Jack both understood and welcomed his love. Was he being courted slowly and carefully or was Jack simply afraid of hurting him?

He was becoming more and more drowsy with the strength of his medications. He lay back sleepily on the bed. He felt Jack pull off his jeans, leaving him with only his boxers and a t-shirt. He was aware that he was inside the bed, and he felt Jack's strong sinewy arms wrap around him, holding him in a sure, strong grip. As he drifted off to sleep, he wondered about how much Jack cared for him. The question was, would it be enough, now that he had finally tasted the full sweetness of his love for Jack? 

"So we're going to meet this friend of yours Jack at the Bolt Hole in Denver?" Cliff Morrissey leaned over Daniel's shoulder and snagged a piece of carrot from the stir-fry that Daniel was preparing. He tried to grab Cliff's agile fingers before he stole any more food, but failed. Cliff knocked Daniel's shoulder, but Daniel knocked him back almost as hard. Cliff laughed, "You don't look like little Danny Jackson, anymore. You're all built up, and the long hair's gone too. If it wasn't for Patrick, I might give old Jack a run for his money."

"Old Jack isn't interested in me," Daniel said smoothly.

Cliff grabbed a piece of celery from Daniel's other side and tossed it in the air before eating it, "So you say, but he's coming out to a gay bar in Denver. Doesn't the army still have don't ask, don't tell rules or something?"

Daniel brandished his large Japanese gourmet knife in Cliff's face, "The next one will be your finger. And we're in the Air Force, not the army. Jack used to be a fighter pilot."

"Aha, a fly boy," Cliff grinned, "I'll bet he looks cool in his dress blues and shades." 

Daniel looked up at Cliff through his brown eyelashes, "If Jack was on the end of this knife, you'd be using more caution before stealing any more food." He's forgotten how much like Cliff Morrissey Jack O'Neill looked. They both had the same long, well muscled arms, the same light brown hair, the same dark glinting eyes. If anything, Jack's silver hair and scars made him even more attractive to Daniel. Jack also exuded a protective air whenever he was around Daniel, which Daniel hoped meant something about Jack's feelings about him. The last week had gone a long way to repairing the damage that had been done to their relationship by the events of the year. 

"We always steal food from whoever's preparing dinner around the house," Cliff said, referring to his job.

"They're obviously less concerned about that than me. I've heard about the humongous meals firefighters eat. So now you're Captain, you don't cook any more?" Daniel asked.

"If it always worked like that, we'd never get any decent food. Some guys just like to cook, other guys well you know you'd just rather they forgot about the whole thing. Anyway, getting back to Jack, you met him what, four years ago?" Cliff asked, "Is it just the Air Force thing that's stopping you. I mean, come on Daniel, he's willing to meet you in a gay bar, it's a signal."

Daniel carefully boned and cut up a breast of chicken, "Well," he looked down at the floor, "My, ah, wife was missing until recently, and that was a problem," he stared down at the food he was preparing, which suddenly appeared unappetizing

A warm hand touched his shoulder, "What happened Danny?"

"She died Cliff," Daniel stared down at some blood that had adhered to his kitchen knife, "It's, it's something I'm not really allowed to talk about. You know restricted information and all that."

"She died in a foreign country," Cliff speculated.

"Something like that," Daniel sighed, "All I can say is that she died, and it wasn't pretty." He remembered about the large singed hole that Teal'c's staff weapon had left in Shau'ri's body, a body that he'd never loved enough, a body that hadn't allured him like Jack. She should have had a better life, a better end. As much as he had personally enjoyed the male-centric culture of Abydos, Shau'ri had been a woman. She could only bask in the reflected glory of his position, the position of a man who'd saved their little civilization. That was as good as it was going to get for Shau'ri on Abydos, and a large part of the reason that they'd stayed together. 

Daniel was so deeply immersed in his memories of Shau'ri, that he almost missed Cliff's next question.

"Did you love her Danny?" Cliff said softly.

Daniel shook his head sadly, "In a way. Shau'ri was from a very different culture. She was different, special. I respected her. I valued her, but love - no I don't think so. I loved somebody else, someone I thought I couldn't have. I just wish I could have made her happier."

"We all make mistakes," Cliff said, "Patrick was married to his high school girlfriend, but it just wasn't meant to be."

"No," Daniel nodded, "I guess Shau'ri wasn't meant to be either. I just wanted what everyone else has - a family, a home, children maybe."

"Things are changing Danny, you might have some of those things anyway," Cliff told him. "We have Patrick's daughter Melinda half time, you know. Her Mom is some big shot lawyer in the twin towers, so she's pretty busy. I know of gay couples that have adopted kids, and everything. The world is changing."

"Jack would never go for it!" Daniel told him.

"So," Cliff took a piece of red pepper behind Daniel's back, "It really is about Jack after all."

"Oh I don't know Cliff. Like I said Jack is a straight-up USAF kind of guy. He's a Colonel, for God's sake. He couldn't afford to take chances just for my sake," Daniel sighed.

"Well, he's willing to meet you at the Bolt Hole in Denver," Cliff tilted his head, "Like I said, it's a sign."

"A sign that he's my friend," Daniel glanced at Cliff, "He's very interested in meeting you."

"Daniel, no straight guy would go for it, I'm telling you."

"Jack has," Daniel hesitated for a moment, "always been there for me. He's my best friend, but I'm sure that he's interested in someone else - Sam Carter. She works with us. She's very attractive, but I'm sure that it's just the chain-of-command thing that's holding their relationship back."

"And so he spends every Friday with this Sam, does he?" Cliff pursued.

"No," Daniel said, "Like I said, they can't have a relationship because of the command structure."

"Well, he's not supposed to sleep with you either. And that hasn't stopped him from spending every weekend with you, apparently. So, do you still get nightmares Danny?" Cliff gave Daniel a meaningful glance.

"Sometimes," Daniel fiddled with some of the bok choy that was going in the stir-fry awkwardly, and his ears turned slightly pink.

"Jack was there to comfort you, wasn't he?" Cliff guessed, "And through all your medication problems."

"Well yeah, like I told you before, Jack is very tactile," Daniel went over to examine the rice. 

"And what did he do when you had these nightmares?"

"He stayed with me, but that doesn't prove anything," Daniel countered.

"In your bed?" Cliff shook his head incredulously, "I mean Danny, I'm no expert but guys just don't cuddle up with other guys unless they're..." Cliff made a seesaw motion with his hand.

"Soldiers comfort each other in battle all the time," Daniel said stalwartly.

"This is obviously more than a guy-guy friendship going on," Cliff said, "But don't take my word for it!"

"He hasn't done anything," Daniel grumbled.

"Until recently, you were telling anyone who would listen that you weren't exactly gay," Cliff pointed out.

"I still think he'd have done something if he was interested," Daniel stuck out his lower lip, considering.

"Well, I guess we'll find out won't we? I'd put money down on this."

Daniel's heart flipped over in his chest, "Yeah, I guess so," he said with shy simplicity. Truthfully, he was afraid of being rejected by Jack or that Jack's tender and intimate gestures of the last week had just been intended to make "crazy Daniel" feel better. The idea that Jack might have been waiting for him all this time was far too unbelievable.

* * *

Business was brisk at The Bolt Hole on Friday night. As Daniel's eyes scanned the room, initially he couldn't see Jack anywhere. The dance floor was packed with hot, gyrating male bodies, many of them shirtless and dressed in blue jeans that molded perfectly to their anatomy. It was a largely over-thirties crowd, Daniel observed. The colored lights and the glittering mirrors around the dance floor made the room look even more packed than it was.

On the other side of the room, Daniel could make out a long wooden bar. A clutch of men was gathered around the middle of the bar absorbed in conversation. As Daniel and Cliff headed in that direction, he heard the sound of a familiar snort of rough male laughter. It was the man himself, dressed in worn pale blue jeans that fit his body like a second skin and a simple white shirt under his leather jacket. He was entertaining a group of four other men who were all talking at once. Daniel recognized some of the men as military, from either Cheyenne Mountain Complex or one of the other bases around the Colorado Springs area. 

The group opened into a horseshoe shape as Daniel and Cliff walked toward them, leaving a direct path between Jack and Daniel. Jack swigged his beer nervously, and his dark eyes locked on Daniel's.

"You took your sweet time getting here," he complained with a smile, "this must be your friend Cliff Morrissey." Jack extended his hand and shook other man's hand with a firm grasp, "Any friend of Daniel's." A flush rose in Daniel's cheek at the speculative looks the other men were giving him.

"Pleased to meet you," Cliff nodded, "And likewise. You come here often?" He threw a meaningful glance in Daniel's direction.

"Oh, the gang and I come about once a month or so. But I usually prefer Saturdays. Let me introduce you and Daniel around here. This here is Derek McCalvie and his partner Eugene Sadowski. Eugene works training pilots and Derek is a professor at U of Denver. He teaches - wait a minute I'll remember. The History of Sexuality - I think that's it."

A tall blonde man standing beside his sandy-haired partner laughed, "Pretty close Jack. I teach History, but I specialized in the History of Sexuality for my PhD."

"Right," Jack smiled, "Daniel Jackson here, has two PhD's in Linguistics and Archaeology. Our Danny's a certifiable genius." The comment was thrown out in a casual tone, but there was absolutely no doubt that Jack was boasting about his achievements. Daniel was stunned, he had no idea that Jack felt this way about him.

"I think I win the bet," Cliff whispered in Daniel's ear, and Daniel elbowed him.

By now, Jack had moved on to another couple of men, "Oh, and Daniel you might recognize Reg Blackwell here. You know he works in Munitions. And this is Ron Beckett, he's a um - a Proctologist at the hospital in the Springs." Barely suppressed laughter spilled over the group at Jack's words, and Ron Beckett a tall, thin whip of a man with light mahogany skin snickered.

"Very smooth Jack. You have such an interesting way of saying that I spend my time with a lot of military hard-asses. I'm actually a psychiatrist at the hospital in the Springs." Ron shook his head at Jack's words, knowing his friend's strange sense of humor.

Daniel shook Beckett's hand and held it for a second, "I remember seeing you," he murmured, "Just a few months ago. You work with MacKenzie."

Beckett winced, "Yeah, I recall your problem. Fortunately," he spread his fingers expressively, "it wasn't permanent."

"No it wasn't," Daniel tilted his head. He shook the hand of his Beckett's partner, Reg Blackwell. Reg was a Colonel who worked on the educational end of Munitions, training soldiers in the use and application of weapons. 

He himself had been taught how to use and care for his Berretta by Major Reg Blackwell three years ago now. Not that he ever kept his weapon clean enough by Jack's standards. Jack had simply stopped asking Daniel to take care of his Berretta. He just took it away with half-muttered imprecations about people who failed to care for their guns.

He began to smile at the memory of Jack stomping out of his laboratory, with his Beretta in his hands. It edged outward until it finally took over his whole face with a hint of childish pleasure underneath. It was sweet. All this time, Jack had known all these gay men and been part of this world; clearly Daniel had passed some ritual goalpost in the other man's head. So, he'd assembled these men here to meet him. Jack's old military friends.

Jack looked at him and grinned. For a moment, they just stared at each other saying nothing, smiling slightly foolishly in pleasure.

"So Jack," Daniel kept his eyes firmly on the other man's mouth.. 

"Daniel," Jack's restless hands jingled loose keys in his pockets. He was always filled with unreleased energy, Daniel thought. Jingling his keys, doodling on pieces of paper in meetings, balancing on his toes, it was all part of the O'Neill package.

"Well," Beckett said suddenly, taking his partner by the hand, "I'm going to dance while there's still something an old duffer like myself can dance to." Eugene and Derek quickly immersed Cliff in a discussion of the New York Fire Department. They listened politely to each and every detail of Cliff's life as a Captain, and his previous position in Search and Rescue. Soon they were plying him with questions. Daniel and Jack were, for all intents and purposes, completely alone. Daniel looked into Jack's deep brown chocolate eyes.

"You might have told me," Daniel said wistfully.

Jack tossed his head, "Oh for crying out loud, Danny. I did everything, but dance the rumba for you. You still missed it. " He held out a strong, large hand to Daniel in a graceful gesture, "Dance with me," he said simply.

He felt the warmth of Jack's hands behind his head as they swayed into a close embrace. All around them men were gyrating, moving as the rhythm of the music changed, but they ignored it, immersed in a world of their own making. Jack's hot breath ghosted down the side of his face, and he thought he felt a dry kiss on the top of his head.

Jack's body was so familiar - with its hard planes, his lanky legs, his tight, flat backside and the muscular curve of his upper biceps. Daniel had slept in the same bed with him on more than one occasion. He'd awakened during the night on alien planets to find Jack's hand clapped over his mouth, keeping him quiet and safe from detection. He'd woken up by the ashes of many morning campfires, and found a very male arm slung across his waist by the light of the dawn. He'd watched joy wash over Jack's face when he realized that Daniel hadn't been harmed on some particular mission or another. 

Until this moment, Daniel thought he that knew Jack, understood what he was about and what he wanted from life, but now he realized that he'd never known him at all. There were hints of who he was in the stories Jack had told about his life, but Daniel had missed them. He'd misunderstood the essential core of the man: Jack gently placing his hand on his cheek when he'd thought Daniel was dying in Apophis's ship; Jack slipping Daniel's glasses off and putting them away to make sure that the other man didn't appear weak; Jack's eyes burning into his when the alien entity in the orb had taken over his mind. How had he missed this? 

Daniel held onto Jack, like a drowning man holds onto a life raft, sure that it is his salvation, and he glanced up sorrowfully.

"What about what happened last month?" Daniel asked sadly.

Jack looked stricken. "It killed me to do that to you, Danny. But I thought you'd decided to crawl back inside that box they call a closet after Ke'ra turned up. You and Ke'ra were going at it pretty hot and heavy."

"Nothing happened with Ke'ra," Daniel reassured him, "But Jack, you still might have to lie to me again sometime. In our line of work, you can't guarantee anything."

Jack leaned in and pulled him closer. Then he whispered into his ear, "For crying out loud, don't you think I haven't thought about that? I thought we straightened this out the other night. I trust you. No more lies between us, that's it for me."

"What about don't ask, don't tell?" Daniel didn't blink.

"Okay, we have to be careful. That's part of the deal. But we can be together if we're not stupid. Nobody questions what goes on between us because of what you've been through," Jack flushed, "if being together is what you want. Some guys want to play the field. Nobody is concerned that we already spend a lot of our down time together because of your emotional problems. That's a break for us! I think we can trust Teal'c, but Sam - she's an army brat. I don't think so."

"I think Sam likes you," Daniel blurted out.

Jack shivered, putting the thought of a naked Sam Carter in his bed as far out of his mind as it would go, "Nah, why would she want my sorry old ass, Danny? Besides, I'm her superior officer. It's a career ender for both of us. Anyway," Jack added stubbornly, "I knew what I was getting into before I agreed to come to the bar with you. I figured that you were looking for an honest, caring relationship."

"I do," Daniel fluttered his eyelids slightly, "So, is that your sidearm I'm feeling or are you really glad to see me?"

Jack grinned widely, "I'm really glad to see you. In fact," he pulled Daniel into a deep kiss, "I can tell you're pretty glad to see me as well," he leered slightly.

They stopped moving, and Jack pushed his lips on Daniel's. "So sweet," he breathed. Daniel tasted the faint taste of beer in Jack's mouth as Jack's tongue gently pillaged his mouth. Jack's hardened tongue pushed into his mouth, intertwining with tongue as Daniel lured him in deeper. He could feel his groin burning, begging for closer personal contact, laying his passion open before the object of his desire. Jack made tiny whimpers of want in the very back of his throat. This filled Daniel's head with lustful thoughts. Daniel stroked Jack's soft, silvered hair.

"Take me home," he breathed.

"And what about Cliff?" Jack asked in honest concern.

"Cliff's a big boy, he can take care of himself. We'll leave him at my place. I can't quite imagine our first time with Cliff listening in the next room. Or he can stay for a while longer, and drive himself back in my car."

"And you're comfortable with that?" Jack traced his finger over Daniel's soft lower lip.

"Jack, Cliff can drive a honking big fire truck and not get lost, I'm sure he's up to driving my red Jeep," Daniel said sensibly.

* * *

In the truck on the way back to the Springs, both men were quiet for the first fifteen minutes. Jack shot Daniel a glance.

"You're sure you're okay with this?" he asked in a concerned tone.

Daniel grasped Jack's right hand and held it, caressing the fingers until they were needed for a maneuver with the steering wheel, "More than okay. I feel we've waited a century for this."

As they drove through a small town, the truck stopped at a railway crossing. Turning away from the flashing red lights to look at the other man's brown eyes, Daniel caught a flare of passion and need in their depths. He undid his seatbelt and slid over to the middle bench seat beside Jack, and then rebuckled himself in place. It was late, well past midnight, and there were no other cars at the intersection or on the highway for that matter. They were on the 67, rather than the I-25, although it was a slower, secondary highway. However, it led directly to Jack's sprawling, brown bungalow on the outskirts of the Springs. 

It had been, Daniel felt, a long hard week; he tucked his head onto the other man's shoulder. He felt Jack slip his arm around him, and he fell asleep. Before he knew it, he was being shaken awake at Jack's house.

"Hey partner, we're home," Jack announced in a tone of quiet triumph.

Daniel stirred, "Not my place," he slurred sleepily, "You said it was home."

"Yeah, mi casa su casa!" He felt Jack's smooth lips glide onto his mouth. He reached out and held the other man tighter, pushing his tongue forcefully into his mouth. Jack's breath was hot, and his lips were soft and receptive. They kissed deeply for few moments, each savoring the feeling of lust and happiness pulse through their body.

They parted, panting for breath, and Daniel's glasses had fogged up "You love me old man?" Daniel teased, tilting his head to look directly into the other man's eyes.

"Yeah," Jack said directly, "You know it Danny. What with one thing and another, I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you. It makes everything different."

"One thing and another, you mean because I'm nuts," Daniel responded, his eyes alight with meaning.

"For crying out loud, I didn't say nuts," Jack ran his hand over the other man's hair.

"You didn't say nuts, I did." Daniel gave Jack a meaningful look, "Taking me on isn't the easiest gig you could get you know."

"You're not nuts," Jack said roughly, "You're special, it's true. You're different from any other guy I've ever known. Most other guys I know could've cared less if I'd lied to them about our friendship, but not you. You're," Jack caressed Daniel's cheek, "sensitive. You care about everything too much maybe, but that's you. I don't want an easy gig. I could pick some idiot jarhead for that, and we could talk about stuff like hockey, football and flying jets all night long and then buddy fuck. But I look at you and I feel my love for you like a big fist squeezing my heart so tight I can hardly breathe." 

Daniel felt the other man move in close again, and press his lips to his in a bruising kiss. His mouth opened, and Jack's tongue slid softly over his and pushed itself inside mimicking the act of penetration.

"I think we'd better take this inside," Jack said quietly, "the neighbors might take an interest in our activities. And as much as I'm not ashamed of loving men, I'm not going out of my way to advertise it either

He noticed that Jack's hands shook as he turned the key in the door's lock. They stumbled into the front hallway, and he felt Jack's hands reach out to him eagerly, pulling him toward him. Jack was against the wall with his legs parted, and his erection pushing into Daniel's burning cock. He felt a leg hook him in closer, and a husky voice purred in his ear, "What are you waiting for, an engraved invitation? Come and fuck me, handsome."

"Jack?" Daniel blushed slightly in the light of the hallway.

"Daniel, you know what goes where I think," Jack's voice was gentle and persuasive.

"Yeah," he chewed at his lower lip medatively, "But I'd always thought that you would..."

"Go first and be your big macho hero," Jack supplied, "Top you right away. Nah, I want you to see I trust you, I want to let go for you. I've never felt like this about anyone else Daniel. Yeah, I loved Sara, but this chemistry thing that happens when you're near me - it's never been quite like this with anyone else." Jack motioned to his heart, having an insufficiency of words. Suddenly, Daniel realized exactly how much the other man cared for him. And how much he cared as well in return.

"I love you too Jack," he said tenderly. Then he felt Jack trace a line of kisses around his face, then pillage his mouth again. Jack shucked off his white shirt quickly. He had, Daniel observed for the millionth time that month, such nice muscular arms. Daniel moved forward to hold Jack, and he found himself propelled backward toward the bedroom. His own shirt was pulled up, and he made a rapid hissing intake of breath at the first feel of skin on skin. Jack's hard, muscular chest with small soft tufts of hair electrified his senses. Triumphantly, he pulled off Jack's leather belt. And between kisses, Jack managed to remove Daniel's glasses without mangling them. 

The zipper came down and he got a glimpse of another part of Jack's eclectic underwear collection. Hanging out in the SG-1 change room post-mission was one of Daniel's favorite activities. He could stare at Jack's flat, tight ass as long as he liked, and Jack always put on a good show as he peeled off his clothes and got down to his standard army briefs. Then he'd stood and then strolled leisurely toward the shower, giving Daniel a good view of a large thick cock and weighty balls before turning his back deliberately on him. Daniel had always enjoyed the show surreptiously from the bench.

The shower was almost the best part. Countless times, Daniel stared dry-mouthed as the hot water swirled alluringly down Jack's back and in the crevice between his cheeks and ran down those long, long legs. 

Today, Jack was wearing black silk jockeys. Last time, he'd been wearing Bugs Bunny jockeys. The time before it had been black cotton briefs. Daniel had a full catalogue of Jack's underwear in his head. Suddenly, he was aware that he'd been staring as he took off his own jeans.

"So Daniel, do I pass inspection?" Jack's dark eyes teased him as he stood beside the bed, one hand inside his black underwear ready to peel it off. 

"You look great," Daniel said shyly bobbing his head.

"For crying out loud I do all those post-mission strip-teases for you in the locker room, and I just look great?" Jack reached out and pulled him closer.

"You did those on purpose?" Daniel giggled slightly.

Jack snickered, "You betcha, it's been a long time since this old body has had such an appreciative audience."

"I don't think you look old," Daniel mumbled, "You look great. Anyway, I like older men."

"Good thing for me. And I like nerds." Jack said as they rolled on to the bed in one smooth simultaneous movement. "I like your white underwear," he whispered softly in Daniel's ear before gently sucking his earlobe. It sent a hot frisson of energy directly into Daniel's cock. Now, it was peeking out the top of his white briefs and weeping with desire.

"Nice concealed weapon you've got there in your tidy whities Dr. Jackson!"

Daniel couldn't help smirking, "It's had its admirers. You should talk, with that cannon in your pants," Daniel felt his eyes pucker mischievously at the corners. They were well matched. Daniel knew perfectly well that no man he'd ever met or bedded had thought that size didn't count.

Jack grinned, "If you say so," he drawled slowly, "But it's really what you do with it that counts." 

"Aha, so I've surprised you," Daniel felt his nervousness begin to dissolve as Jack eyed him with noticeable pleasure.

"I've seen you naked before Danny, but there's an - ah - a difference that I hadn't counted on until this moment," Jack confessed honestly. Then he stared at Daniel's eyes, "You're a handsome man. I liked you even with the long hair."

"You always said the hair was non-regulation," Daniel preened happily at his lover's admiring glance.

"Aw, Daniel what isn't non-regulation about you?" Jack pointed out, then he blushed slightly, and advanced across the bed in his direction on all fours, "God, you're beautiful," Jack breathed leaning over kissing him with satiny smooth lips. He grinned widely, "Won't you fuck me with that gorgeous dick?" he whispered before opening his mouth in a soft kiss. His tongue slid over Daniel's in the age-old dance of love. 

Daniel lay back against the pillows while Jack laid a trail of kisses down his chest, stopping to tease a nipple to attention with his tongue. The maple brown eyes were soft with pleasure, "And all those workouts with Teal'c in the gym have really paid off. I must buy him a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates at my earliest convenience." Then he pushed down Daniel's underwear, and Daniel kicked them off.

His cock sprung free of its cotton prison. The cool air in the bedroom felt good on his overheated body until Jack reached out with his right hand and stroked it with an experimental touch that built quickly into a rhythm. The other hand swept caressingly over the soft skin of his left inner thigh. Then he kneaded the firm muscles of Daniel's buttocks softly. 

"I've waited so long to taste you," These words, in Colonel Jack O'Neill's mouth, made Daniel harder with unreleased need. 

The warm heat of Jack's mouth encircled the head of his cock while a hand pulled back on the foreskin. Jack's hands continued to explore his thighs as he sucked hard on his cock and finally deep-throated him.

Daniel saw stars, and he suddenly pushed Jack away, "Going to come too soon," he panted desperately. 

They rolled over and Jack pulled him on top. They kissed more deeply and slowly now. Jack's tongue teased and lured him into his mouth, and his lover's legs opened wantonly. Their erections brushed each other, and he felt a foot stroke gently over the back of his thighs. Jack hitched his legs higher, and he heard the compelling sound of soft needy moans.

"Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you." Daniel pushed the damp hair that had fallen over his forehead back. Now, he felt his nervousness return.

"You won't hurt me! Just do it!" Jack grated through teeth that were clenched with passion, "I love you so damned much." Jack whispered kissing him again. "The lube's in the drawer, and I've got condoms but I'm clean. Fraiser's tested me about a gazzillion times, and I've been best friends with right hand for more than a year now."

Daniel asked simply, "There's been no one else?"

"No one for a little more than year now," Jack told him, "After the incident on Kynthia's planet, I knew you cared about me. I was hoping that maybe, you and I." Jack's dark eyes bored into him, "What's the point, every time I was with another guy, I was just thinking about you." With a trembling hand, he caressed Daniel's hair, "Your blue eyes, your brown hair. The way you stamp your foot when you're mad at me. The way you say 'Jack', like you're just about to ask me some question I don't know the answer to. The way you fall asleep with your arm over your eyes when we watch hockey, and stick your feet right up close to me. The way you reach out to me when you're hurting. I want you to see that I trust you, and that you can trust me. I never want to lose that again."

"I was afraid you'd gone dark side on me, that I'd lost you to that bastard Maybourne," Daniel's voice quavered slightly, "I was just so hurt."

"I'll never do it again."

"Don't make promises you can't afford to keep Jack!" Daniel warned him.

"Daniel," Jack squeezed his upper arm, "I want you to understand I'd quit and move to Canada before I'd ever hurt you like that again. Everything is different now. I'll keep this quiet as long as I can, but if push comes to shove I won't deny this relationship. No matter what the cost."

"What about jail?"

"That wouldn't happen, I've got information about some highly placed people. They'll either let me go or kill me. I'm too dangerous to stick in a cell. You never know what I might tell people. And they'll never kill you."

Daniel reflected for a moment, "You mean that they think I'm irreplaceable because I opened the Gate." Jack lifted his scarred eyebrow meaningfully at him. He paused before he spoke, "When I went through the quantum mirror or when people came through the mirror to us, their realities were in serious trouble."

"And they had no Dr. Jackson," Jack threw in, "No Daniel equals trouble. Haven't you ever wondered why they let you stay on here in spite of all your emotional problems? You're a valuable commodity."

"Well," Daniel kissed Jack lightly on the mouth before fastening onto a nipple, and achieving a very satisfactory response in the way of a loud moan, "If I'm that valuable, I guess I'll just have to take care of you in any eventuality." His fingers played briefly with Jack's gray hair, as he worked his way down to the large weeping cock. 

He mouthed the mushroom-shaped head and gently teased the glans with his tongue. He'd coated his fingers in lube before he made his way to the heavy sacs. He laved them with his tongue. Again, a highly satisfactory moan met his ears as his fingers reached out to stroke the tender skin of the perineum. 

Jack hitched his legs up further, and Daniel's tongue was dancing on the sensitive rim as he hands stroked over the tight muscular thighs. Intense physical exercise had given Jack O'Neill the body of a much younger man, although his knees were scarred from a series of operations. Experimentally, Daniel slipped a lubed finger inside, first loosening the outer ring of muscle that he found was already quite relaxed. Then he pushed two fingers in deeper and scissored before he probed gently for that small sweet nodule of exquisite pleasure. He hummed slightly as he sucked on Jack's cock. A loud and sudden shout from Jack alerted him to his success in locating the prostate. Now, Jack was pushing harder onto his fingers, more sounds of desperate moans rising up in his throat. 

"Come on Danny," he urged, his dark eyes soft with need, "Take me."

Daniel kissed him, "That's what you taste like," he whispered to Jack softly. Jack's mouth opened wide to his kisses It had been a long time since he'd done this with another man and he felt a slight twinge of apprehension..

There was no need. As he lined his himself up with the entrance, Jack swiftly impaled himself on Daniel. He shouted loudly as two legs were thrown over his shoulders, and Jack fucked himself on Daniel's cock. 

"Jesus Jack!" he screamed. It was impossible hot and tight, and Jack was more than ready for him. "I could've hurt you."

"Not a chance, Danny. Fuck me," Jack insisted lifting his hips up. "Come on."

Daniel pulled back half way, then pushed in deep again. Both men groaned appreciatively. They were covered in sweat. He felt large drops fall from his forehead and chest onto his partner. Daniel worked to make it last, hitting Jack's sweet spot each and every time. It felt so good. He almost wanted to cry. They pushed and moaned, and pushed again - each wanting the other to remember every exquisite sensation of their first time together. 

"Come for me baby," Jack's dark eyes bored into his, "Fuck me hard."

Daniel leaned forward and began a long and hard assault on the other man's inner tightness. He didn't think he could last much longer. The friction between their two bodies had made Jack's cock purple and hard. Daniel reached down with his hand to pull on Jack's hard organ to push him over the edge. 

"I'm coming," Jack gritted. Sticky white ribbons of semen coated Daniel's thighs and lower chest. His lover's dark eyes closed as he gave himself over to the sensations in his body. Finally, Daniel let go - wave after wave of semen released into the receptive ass pushed hard against him. As the waves of pleasure washed over him, he fell into a semi-conscious grayed-out state. He returned to the present to find Jack's arms wrapped tightly around him.

"I didn't expect that," Daniel confessed. He was touched by Jack's capitulation to him, the fact that Jack enjoyed the pleasure of playing both roles in their sexual lives.

"What did you expect?" Jack didn't let go.

"I thought I'd, you know, take a different role."

"I love you Danny," Jack kissed him fiercely.

"How was it with Sara?"

Jack smiled gently, "I loved her, and I loved being a father - but there was always something missing. I loved Alan Peters, but it hurt so goddamned much when he died. I just didn't want to feel that way about anyone until I met you. I didn't set out to love you, but it seems like I couldn't help it!"

"I love you too Jack," Daniel confessed.

"I know Spacemonkey," Jack kissed the top of his head.

"Are we going to tell Teal'c and Sam?" Daniel asked.

Jack shook his head, "Teal'c doesn't need to be told. This warrior bond thing between men is very common on Chulak. We've talked. But Sam's another story. She hopes that there could be something between us, and she has very strong feelings on the issue of gays in the military. She'll have a tough time dealing with this."

"So, we don't tell her?"

"Crap no, Daniel," Jack blurted out, "Not unless we have to."

They slept wrapped in each other's arms that night. Daniel had a deep and dreamless sleep, but in the morning he awoke to the sound of a steady hammering on the door. 

He could hear Cliff's voice speaking out saying, "I think we should just leave. They've probably gone somewhere for breakfast." He suddenly realized that Jack wasn't in bed beside him. There was nothing unusual about that. Jack usually woke up at the crack of dawn.

Then he heard another familiar voice, "Jeez Carter, I'm not exactly all set to entertain here."

"I heard that Daniel was with you sir," Sam's voice sounded slightly less than friendly.

"There's nothing too surprising about that Carter. For crying out loud, he spends every Friday over here watching hockey and stays overnight. You know Carter, its guy stuff! You're always over at Janet's house." Jack's voice was careful and casual.

"And Daniel doesn't even like hockey that much," Cliff's voice continued on with the pretense of what guys did together.

"So who are you and why are you driving Daniel's car?" Sam continued to pick away at the façade of friendship they'd built up so carefully.

"Daniel just lent it to me last night, to go visit an old girlfriend," Cliff chirped on.

"Oh really," Sam's voice went down low, "As a friend I had in England says, I would've thought that there was nothing for you there."

"Well, Miss Carter since I'm a firefighter, not in the army, navy or air force, that isn't really a problem for me," Cliff's voice suggested that Sam had overstepped the line.

"Don't you 'Miss' me, buddy," Sam spat, "It's major or doctor to you."

"Unless you're looking up my butt, I don't say doctor to anyone," Cliff retorted, "And since you're so damned curious about whether I'm gay, I'll tell you. Yeah, I am. And what's it to you anyway, Major Carter?"

"Well, Mr. Fireman in this man's army it's against regulations to be gay."

"Actually, Sam it's don't ask, don't tell. And Daniel's free to have any kind of friends he wants to have. Last time I looked, it was still a free country." Jack said lightly, "And Cliff Morrissey here is an old friend of Daniel's."

"So where is Daniel?" Sam hissed slightly.

He heard a key in the lock in the front door, and the door open . He heard footsteps in the hallway, and he lifted his head to see Sam glaring at him from the doorway.

"You're in the Colonel's room," she shouted.

"Yeah, Daniel sleeps in my bed because the mattress is foam - hypoallergenic. You know how his allergies are, Carter," Jack leaned up against the doorframe. His eyes were dark with suppressed anxiety, "I'm going to make some breakfast for us. You're welcome to stay if you're hungry." Jack nodded at Daniel, and went off to prepare food.

Major Sam Carter took a step into the room in her black leather jacket. How could she not smell the scent of male spunk and sweat in the room, Daniel wondered? Maybe, her thoughts were so honed in on Jack, the idea that they'd been making in love in this very room just a few short hours ago never came up on her radar. Sam's total focus on her objectives had led her in the wrong direction before. And today was no exception. 

She walked over to the bed, never taking her eyes off Daniel. Her blue eyes had gone gray with anger. She sat down on the bed, and gave Daniel a hostile stare.

"Don't think I don't know what you're up to, headcase," her eyes narrowed with distaste.

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about Sam," he said.

"Don't you?" she hissed in his face, "But you'll lose, Daniel, because the Colonel isn't a pervert like you. He'd be sick if he knew what was in your mind."

"Homosexuality isn't a called a disease anymore, Sam," Daniel heard himself say coldly, "And if you remember correctly, until recently I was married."

"To a woman who was given to you as a present," she sneered, "I'll be watching you Daniel. If you try and pull the Colonel into your lifestyle, I'll tell him what you are. And you'll lose his friendship forever. Not to mention what might happen if I talked to Senator Kinsey. I'm sure there'd be a promotion in it for me as well!"

"You do that Sam. You watch. And you'll see Jack and I are friends, just as we've always been. And I can't believe you'd talk to Kinsey!" Daniel stared at Sam Carter as though he'd never seen her before. She was breathing heavily and her eyes were glassy. 

"Carter, are you staying for breakfast?" Jack was standing over the bed, holding out a glass of water in one hand and Daniel's anti-anxiety meds in the other hand.

"No," she rose to her feet hurriedly, a fastidious expression of distaste crossed her mouth again, "I've said what I came to say."

"Carter?" Jack surveyed Major Sam Carter with a puzzled glance, "What's going on?"

"Nothing," she responded, "I'll see you at the SGC at eleven hundred hours on Monday. Just remember what I said to you Daniel." Then she left the house.

"What was that all about?" Jack asked his lover.

"Sam said she was going to tell you that I was gay," Daniel said solemnly, "And that she might go to Kinsey about it. She wants you Jack, at any cost."

"Well, she won't be getting me. And as for Kinsey, I know some secrets about him that he wouldn't want anyone else to know. But in the future, I'm going to keep my eyes on Major Samantha Carter."


End file.
